Finding My Faith Groove With So Many Choices

I once had the difficult decision of selecting the right faith. I really like the Seventh Day Adventists. Nice people, eat right, and family values. But worship on Saturdays is just a big red flag right from the start. Bama Football is on Saturday, so I looked for a Sunday church. Plus the fact that Saturday worship is so important that sinning against it meant going to hell. I thought it was a little early for that!

Mormons seemed pretty cool, but the meeting put me to sleep. Funeral home ambience is the closest I can get to an accurate description. If that is the requirement for conviction, I just don’t have the stamina. Wow they cry a lot.

So many people are becoming Muslim these days I thought I’d give that a quick look. I signed up and got a free monogrammed prayer rug for my five a day devotional prayers. Sounded pretty cool, but highly impractical as a teacher. Word got out to the parents that I would drop and pray during class time and later that week I attended the longest school board meeting in the history of school board meetings. A hot topic for sure, was the kids didn’t know what the hell was going on. Two of them stopped, dropped, and rolled, and 9 of them got under the desks for earthquake drill. And I learned too, that we live in a Christian community and carrying a Janbiya to school is a nono. I didn’t know there was a difference being all children of Abraham. But wow! I did manage to keep my job though.

Unification Church sounded pretty cool. I mean, who doesn’t want to be unified? I went to the first meeting and they took my phone and I spent three days in a locked conference room with little food and no contact with the outside world. I learned some cool chants and was able to “send out” and “receive” a fair amount of love and actually got to act it out. The “insertion” part was cool. There was a calm aura all around. The Handkerchiefs, Holy Garments and Holy Water thing was weird. I can’t throw it away! Where do I keep this shit? When I got done for the weekend I felt like I’d been spiritually flattened and needed to check into a rehab somewhere. I still haven’t told my wife where I was.

So I guess the search continues. Next week I check out Assemblies of God to see if I can get rid of this limp, and then I’m doing the Jehovahs Witness. Hoping to get in on the “144,000” thing. I wonder if I get a special poker chip or something to save my spot? I am hesitant to go into a building with no windows though.

33,995 Christian denominations and 37,000,000 others to go. That shouldn’t take too long since they all claim they’re right.


Author: jimoeba

Alternatives to big box religions and dogmas

35 thoughts on “Finding My Faith Groove With So Many Choices”

  1. A building with no windows? Sounds like it would be dangerous if there was a fire. I’d tell you to stay away but you’re going to burn anyway, right? Oh wait, that’s me now too, isn’t it?

    God gave us tens of thousands of choices. They’re all right yet we somehow still chose wrong. Go figure. If only God left us a book to follow. What? He did? No not the Bible. Not that book he left with all of the blank pages that man filled up himself to whip us into shape. I mean the real one. You know, the one we can’t see? The one where he kept the truth to himself? The one that could bring about world peace and actually end suffering in this world? What? It doesn’t exist? There’s just the fake one? Well that sucks. Oh well. I’m just going to start rubbing oil on myself now. I tend to peel when I burn.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Everyone knows the Fraternal Ubiquitous Luminary Lenient Occidental Forbearing Special Holy Interdenominational Temple of Jesus Herbert Christ, Reformed is the one true church. They even have hypoallergenic prayer beads you can carry in your you-know-what. For religious purposes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s some serious business. And you know it! Are you serious? IYAPA? In Your Ass Prayer Heads? You just won the whole day! Or fullofshit

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ah, is it weird I never even searched for an alternative after leaving Anglicanism? I just concluded that if any religion celebrated credulity and submissiveness over skepticism and self determinism then it wasn’t for me. Any suggestions? Perhaps I missed one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ancient aliens or George Lucas has been mentioned, but I’d go with some crystals, salt, tarot, and incense to help you make your decision. I’m also leaning toward Assembly of God. The faith healing would come in handy for a resident physician.


        1. That funny you say that. Americans place so much world value to their little bubbles no one else has even heard of. See, you make good points even when you don’t want to!


          1. Salt and Crystals. Are these even real religions? Obviously some religions are more complex than others. Then there’s George Lucas. Isn’t he a “star wars” character?


  4. Hast thou considered Pastafarianism? It promises an afterlife 0f beer volcanoes and stripper factories for those who embrace His Noodly Appendage.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am a pastafarian, but not practicing. I do get old food from the animal food bank in the winter, and I’ve converted all the wild turkeys here to FSM. They come for services every morning.

      Liked by 2 people

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