Things That Live Too Long

How careful wording and watered-down history is a key to lasting faith.

The sheer advantage of brainpower and our longer than average lifespan has come at a cost—we are a complicated and sickly species fighting uphill from the time we are born until the time we die.

It’s a long life to carry these untoward genetics but, there are a few things I would trade for a shorter life span—for shorter is sometimes better.

Nursing home stays, waiting rooms, and sermons all could all easily be shorter. It is nice to know how long you’ve got sometimes so you can do other things in the mean time. Religious honesty would be nice too—shorter lies, maybe?

“The scriptures teach emphatically that we must give milk before meat. The Lord made it very clear that some things are to be taught selectively. There is a temptation for the writer or the teacher of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not—Some things that are true are not very useful“—Boyd K Packer, LDS Apostle (could be any religioso) Like the Father like the Son.

It is clear throughout Christendom that avoiding solid truth, the whole truth, is absolutely necessary to ease one into the faith. In other words, lies. Lies of careful wording and lies of omission—all necessary to nurture (bait) one into solid belief. That is milk before meat!

It doesn’t take a miracle to come to Jesus—it takes careful and selective wording. I won’t be waiting til after I’m dead to get out of this line. Religion is one thing that has lived far too long, living abundantly on the fears and foibles of human nature. Not easy to recover 50 years of waiting, but I’m catching up.

K-Y Jelly – A Christian Model

K-Y Jelly, a product of Johnson and Johnson, developed in 1904 as a surgical lubricant, quickly found its way as a multi use product. Hollywood makeup artist use the jelly in the horror-movie industry. Special effects technicians like Stan Winston and Rob Bottin use the jelly to create a “slimy” appearance for monster puppet effects.

K-Y Jelly is also used clinically to perform prostate examinations in men and gynecological examinations in women. For prostate exams, physicians use K-Y Jelly to lubricate a finger to ease insertion into the rectum for prostate assessment. A similar process is used in the pelvic and recto-pelvic exams in women.

The product is also widely used as a sexual lubricant. It does not react with condoms or rubber-based sex toys. While K-Y has a thick consistency and a tendency to dry out during use, it can be “reactivated” by the addition of saliva or more water.

Christianity also was invented with a single purpose, but quickly induced other untoward effects and diminished cognitive abilities. Initially, faith was thought only to cause warm and fuzzy feelings, but quickly was used to penetrate six continents. Also, 80% of infected parties developed SORTS, (stupor of rational thought syndrome), where they would blindly go along with fairy tales, as well as follow their leaders to inflict misery on unsuspecting indigenous genotypes. Also noted in double blind case study 3-16, gullibility increased ten fold. Absorption ratios to PBS* increased to alarming level, where christian faithful were seventy times more likely to believe anything they were told of a supernatural, or conspiratorial nature. The Faithful tend to accept whatever they are told from specially designed pulpits, to the point where K-Y has been essential for parishioners to just bend over and take it. And while the speaker reaps his eternal reward in cash, the congregates will still have to wait postmortem to see any benefits.

* Pulpit Bull Shit

Acronyms and DSRD

I was training a newly hired EMT to enter his reports in the computer, and shortly after writing a practice report we got a call to go out for an MVC. We transported a minor injury patient to the hospital and since the new guy tech’d the call, he wrote the notes. Medical people use a ton of acronyms, and as I was reviewing his report I noticed some strange ones I’d never seen before. He stated ” PT found in FPS, A/O X4 PWD, airway intact. Pt with MLLUA and ALSOF. I thought “huh”? I called him back to the office for a minute to explain. “Oh, FPS is front passenger seat”. And MLLUA is mild laceration left upper arm”, and ALSOF is “abrasion left side of face”. I said “Aaron you can’t just make shit up on these reports. No one knows what these mean except you”. There is a long list of accepted acronyms and I gave him a copy to work from. Heres a small sample.

Aaron appears to be mixing religion and work here, since “make it up as you go” is a common tool for building credible rapport in the churches.

I’ve heard some faith promoting whoppers during my time in the church. I felt the spirit (emotion) over outright lies and fabrications. I’ve seen the faithful tie silly things together that show god is with them every step of the way. From found car keys to successful surgeries, god gets the credit. When things don’t go your way he gets a free pass. If uncle Eddy survives the heart attack,”praise god”! If he dies, god took him home to heaven. He knows what’s best for you. Right?

WARNING– What you about to read might cause you to think.

Preachers tell lies and twist stories to convince you that god is real and their religions are right. They desperately want you to believe what they believe. They will tell you things to drive your emotions. That feeling is not the spirit. It is a manipulation tactic to get devotion and keep you in faith to give themselves power and money. Do not believe it. You have been tricked by professionals that prey on people during vulnerable times in their lives. Do not buy it. You already possess everything they have to offer. It’s already in you. You can do this without the bs of a religious dogma. Waiting for god to answer your prayers is a waste of time. Time that could be spent working out your own future, free of charge and free of mental bondage.

DSRD = dumb stuff religions do

Faith + Fiction = Miracles. Here have a bible

Christians Unaware

Evidently I have the light and don’t even know it. Jesus is working through me, and I don’t even know it. Twice this week I had brief discussions about my non belief, and twice my mere countenance was attributed to Jesus working through me. And I would be a Christian if I understood the message. I am a “Christian unaware”. (Billy the kid 2nd left in a rare photo with Pat Garret on right)

But see the reason I’m not Christian is that I do understand the doctrine. I also understand the control mechanisms at work. I also understand that if I pray, nothing ever happens unless you look really hard for subtle non existent hints that your prayer was answered in some way other than what you wanted. For your own good. I also know I can get spiritual followers by telling big emotional lies that mimic the spirit. I also understand that to make sense of it takes a lot of hairsplitting explanations and then you have to just decide to believe it because that is the only way it makes sense.