Letter to Mark Twain

dear mr clemans, after reading part of your book, ‘Letters From the Earth’, I think you are a disgusting man. I know your real name, and I am warning all of my good christian neighbers not to read this gross expose’ of our god. We cannot, and will not allow you to espouse such truths and spread your cancerous words into the puritan ears of this community. We demand you retract your words.

The fact that heaven is composed of all the things we hate is true, but only for now. Who are we to judge gods wisdom. The fact that all of the things we love are absent is true, but only for now. I imagine that endless harp music and choirs singing praises to God might seem like a torture to you, but god knows what is best for us. If he says it will make me happy, I believe him, regardless of the apparent absurdity of eternal noise and worship. You see where you are lacking mr clemens? You have no faith. Faith is where I get to decide what is true. Faith will let me live in eternity with god and be happy with no intellect. It is intellect that has caused you to own these blasphemous truths. Your words are temporary mr clemens, but gods word are eternal. You are a dirty man exposing the christian heaven as a sexless heaven. You are a heathen now, and probably have sex for fun, but god knows what is best for us. If he needs to manipulate our natural tendencies to control the heathens, then I trust god to do so. We won’t need these things in heaven because we will be wrapped in jesus’ arms in eternal embrace, singing and praising god, and bathing his feet in our tears of joy, while you mr clemens, will be in hell.

75 cents for this 1962 edition. Best $6 I’ve ever spent. Should be mandatory reading for all.