TCA Newsflash 3-6-2018
Vatican City, Italy
Pope Francis, Bishop of Rome, was surrounded today by Vatican City News Team 3 and made a formal announcement to open the sacred Vatican library secret catacomb vault to 700 club scholars, just two weeks after Saint Patricks Day celebration 2018. Recent accusations from Club founder and leader Pat Robertson, has sent chills down the veritable spine of the Vatican library prefect, Monsignor Cesare Pasini, after Robertson publicly accused the prefect of hiding important scripture from public view. “Scienant enim quod esset dies veniunt” said Monsignor Pasini in his Latin tongue. (We knew this day would come). Pressure from Robertson has been ongoing, and according to a spokesman for the College of Bishops, “we have had enough! We are conceding to the powerful American based 700 club”.
An ad appeared on the 700 club ticker today and Union Gospel Mission jobs board looking for scholars and volunteers to comb through approximately 374,000,000 documents in Latin, Greek, Egyptian, Hieratic Sumerian, Hebrew, Cuneiform, and others. While the Vatican library is open for researchers with qualified credentials, secret vaults at the library have not. TBN and 700 club are positioning “top scholars” for this historic event. The vault opens Easter morning on the official Catholic “Stulte Aprilis Dies” of 2018 for the 2 week investigation. Skeptics are proposing the vaults may be empty that day. More to follow.
That’s how’s to say April fools in Latin.
TCA Newsflash 2-17-2018
Happy World Flood Day!!
Addis Ababa, Ethiopia
Northcoast Oil And Hydrocarbon (NOAH) geologists coupled with geophysicists and a Johannesburg based archeological team unearthed a massive water valve south of Addis Ababa during an open pit oil investigation. Dubbed immediately ” The fountain of the deep”, the valve measures 30 meters in diameter and is made of an unknown metal component. The valve is free of rust and appears operational.
“This is no coincidence ” says team leader Jorge Medirás. The discovery occurred on world flood day, commemorating 4365 years since the great flood. A memorial service is planned to honor the 8 survivors.
“In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep were opened up, and the windows of heaven were opened.”
Genesis 7:11 KJV
Archaeologists are currently deciphering curious markings indicating at least 12 additional pre Babylonian valves are in existence at various global locations. No windows have been discovered. More to follow.
Christian apologist and ego-fed blogger John Branyan made the pages of the world renown Urban Dictionary today from his Indiana home. Branyan, famous among locals as the “little apologist that could”, had few words for reporters, which is rare for the “eager pleaser of the man from Nazareth”. Fame and notoriety are nothing new for the man known as “Brain Yawn”, in certain blogging circles. Branyan Apologist! It’s official! Congratulations John. Although not accustomed to having anything approved, Urban Dictionary set a new approval speed record of 28 seconds. Seems they knew you were coming, lurking, watching, waiting to pounce and mine out any potential opportunity for conjecture. Congratulations!