Vatican Hands Over the Keys

Mormon officials were stunned after Pope Francis surprise visit to Salt Lake City, Utah on Tuesday. Amidst poorly handled child sexual abuse scandals worldwide, the Pope has called it quits, handed over Vatican keys to Russel M. Nelson, prophet, seer, and revelator of the Utah group. Nelson was speechless, but after a short intercessory prayer spoke of the fulfillment of Mormon prophecy. “The keys of the kingdom of God are committed unto man on the earth, and from thence shall the gospel roll forth unto the ends of the earth, as the stone which is cut out of the mountain without hands shall roll forth, until it has filled the whole earth” (Doctrine and Covenants 65:2)

The church never imagined the prophecy would be fulfilled in such a literal sense. 58,000 Missionaries around the world have received notice to return home immediately, ending the church-old Mormon tradition. Russel M. Nelson, after quoting Joseph Smith was briefly interrupted by Francis. Off-mic comments by Francis recorded by cell phone congratulated the prophet on the LDS church mastery of grooming minors, encouraged him to continue the rite in a less hap-hazard manner, was followed by a subtle wink at the pope. Arrangement have been made and bishops, priests, and cardinals from around the world will be heading to salt lake to receive the Mormon priesthood. LDS sign shop will be mass producing stickers to relabel churches with a New Name, “The Catchurjesuschrist of Latter Day Saints” will be the stone that fills the whole earth.

Nelson, now famous for excommunicating Sam Young (for exposing Mormon abuses of children by presenting nearly 1000 letters from former victims) has a good handle on continuing the ‘inner-traditions” in the hierarchy of religious practice, sending a clear message to incoming clergy that the playground will stay open in a kinder, more subtle secrecy. “The suit is the new robe of the holy priesthood”, says Nelson, providing the needed autonomy to mix business religion with pleasure at the expense of our youth. “Hold on to your butts” the oft quoted line from Jurassic Park has taken on a new meaning in Mormon mantra.

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Perpetual Motion Machine

The search for an endless, free energy source has been discovered and as usual, it’s been under our noses for quite some time, or in this case, our fingertips.

Christian apologists have been recruited GE Office Systems for developing a hands-on, in-home prototype using electricity generating keyboards. Since there is no end in sight to the rhetoric and excuses generated, apologists in key population bases have been scheduled to present their arguments for god during “peak voltage demand” based on their time zones. Each apologist will receive metered credits on their power bills, and substation attendants will receive overtime for after hours, long winded diatribes when keystrokes exceed power demand.

While the current prototype generates a substantial, unintelligible-vacuum sound, is is anticipated to blend in nicely with the already numbing tones that whisk their way across the world at light speed from existing modems. As existing arguments for god are at a millennials-long standstill, frustration has trended upward only raising the flurry of apologetic banter.

Reducing Religion Dream Act 2018

The IRS, the FDA, and the APA, are taking what it calls a “historic first step” toward eliminating religions’ addictive properties and concerns of mental health longevity by seeking comments on the impact of lowering non provable belief levels, how lowering of these levels might be accomplished, and whether doing so might have unintended consequences. Non-Profit status of churches and the ongoing mental health threats have forced the IRS and the FDA to combine efforts with the APA in combatting addictive, propagandized religious benefits.

The agencies said that they would eventually propose faith reduction as part of a comprehensive overhaul regulating religions’ unfounded claims. Today’s announcement came in the form of an advance notice of proposed rule making — essentially, a document designed to elicit comments and show what direction the agencies might take if it were to require higher provability levels, and setting a “burden of proof” standard of passed-on and written information. Given the combination of toxicity, divisiveness, addictiveness, prevalence, and the effects on nonusers, religions are in the category of damaging belief that causes the greatest of public health harm,” said James Zell, Director of the APA.

“Religion is the only legal entity that when used as intended will reduce the intelligence and mental wellness of the lives of all long-term members prematurely,” he said, adding, “We’ve known for decades that religion is highly engineered and designed to get users addicted, and euphoria at these levels are regulated in every other industry”. The FDA said it envisions “the potential circumstance where piety levels in faith do not spur or sustain addiction for potential converts. This could give addicted believers the choice and ability to quit faith more easily, and it could help to prevent experimenters (mainly youth) from initiating regular attendance and becoming regular attendees.”

Agenda as follows:

1. Harmful short and long term effects of early indoctrination.

2. Mental illness stemming from guilt, peer pressures, and counter-intuitive learning.

3. Contradictory learning. How giving the obviousness of credulity stunts academic reasoning.

4. How resources and time could be focused on actual fact-based scholarship.

5. Recommendations on faith based non factual learning materials. Fiction/Nonfiction advisory labels and age restriction guidelines.

6. Possible taxes or fines to be levied against churches for compensation to deconverts to assist in recovery efforts and long term psychological therapy.

in a joint meeting next Friday, leaders from all three camps will implement an emergency discussion called “cessation session” to create formal documents to present to Congress. (Hey I can dream, Right?)

TCA Newsflash 3-16-2018

Washington State

TheCommonAtheist

Apologist Answer Ratings Chart

Dedicated to those who keep trying, even though they’re wrong.

Loosely interpreted scripture, tightly bound comments, and microfibrical folicular linguistic divisions (hairsplitting) has caused gastro-apologist scientists to develop a groundbreaking new ratings system to analize [sic] the words of apologetics budding superstars.

Macroscopic analysis of answered questions leads scientist to believe only comfort points are ever addressed, while the truly damming portions of obvious facts are left underserved or proctacally [sic] ignored, resembling answers given in diagram seven, where only bits and pieces of even philosophical arguments are allowed to enter the discussion.

While the acclaimed apologists feel like the image type 4, the disparity between feelings and fact are a unique christian problem, where truth rarely comes into play in their belief system, as this Box of bible facts illustrates.

Frequency and regularity have been consistent in the pastors blogging, allowing for continued observation of the stall tactics mentioned. And, as electronic data is easily tracked and difficult to wipe clean, the pastors words are readily available for examination.

Health department officials have recommended the above “full” facility be pumped and renovated into a two-seater to accompany fellow blogger and church spokesman Juan BrainYawn for prolonged verbal consultations.

How are they doing? Your feedback is important to us. Please rate apologists Mel and John using the Wong-Baker pain scale above, 10 being a bad job, and 0 being a good job, and include any helpful tips or comments.

Wurtzite Boron Nitride—The Apologist Mind

Wurtzite boron nitride is the hardest known natural substance on planet earth. It is also very rare. Scientist are currently using Christian apologist dummy models in an effort to determine density and commercial drilling applications using Wurtzite boring bits. It may also shed light on tapping into the apologist mind, which comprises the strangest of man made mythical substance. The current drill design features a wide, circular counter motion with redundant coupled ambiguous capabilities. The results to date are under study, but the difficulties of getting through are mentionable and require further reasoning. So far only 1% of the dummy heads have been penetrated. Scientist are baffled that the best science, technique, and machinery have not been reliable in tapping through to the mind of the dummies.