Vatican Hands Over the Keys

Mormon officials were stunned after Pope Francis surprise visit to Salt Lake City, Utah on Tuesday. Amidst poorly handled child sexual abuse scandals worldwide, the Pope has called it quits, handed over Vatican keys to Russel M. Nelson, prophet, seer, and revelator of the Utah group. Nelson was speechless, but after a short intercessory prayer spoke of the fulfillment of Mormon prophecy. “The keys of the kingdom of God are committed unto man on the earth, and from thence shall the gospel roll forth unto the ends of the earth, as the stone which is cut out of the mountain without hands shall roll forth, until it has filled the whole earth” (Doctrine and Covenants 65:2)

The church never imagined the prophecy would be fulfilled in such a literal sense. 58,000 Missionaries around the world have received notice to return home immediately, ending the church-old Mormon tradition. Russel M. Nelson, after quoting Joseph Smith was briefly interrupted by Francis. Off-mic comments by Francis recorded by cell phone congratulated the prophet on the LDS church mastery of grooming minors, encouraged him to continue the rite in a less hap-hazard manner, was followed by a subtle wink at the pope. Arrangement have been made and bishops, priests, and cardinals from around the world will be heading to salt lake to receive the Mormon priesthood. LDS sign shop will be mass producing stickers to relabel churches with a New Name, “The Catchurjesuschrist of Latter Day Saints” will be the stone that fills the whole earth.

Nelson, now famous for excommunicating Sam Young (for exposing Mormon abuses of children by presenting nearly 1000 letters from former victims) has a good handle on continuing the ‘inner-traditions” in the hierarchy of religious practice, sending a clear message to incoming clergy that the playground will stay open in a kinder, more subtle secrecy. “The suit is the new robe of the holy priesthood”, says Nelson, providing the needed autonomy to mix business religion with pleasure at the expense of our youth. “Hold on to your butts” the oft quoted line from Jurassic Park has taken on a new meaning in Mormon mantra.