I once had the difficult decision of selecting the right faith. I really like the Seventh Day Adventists. Nice people, eat right, and family values. But worship on Saturdays is just a big red flag right from the start. Bama Football is on Saturday, so I looked for a Sunday church. Plus the fact that Saturday worship is so important that sinning against it meant going to hell. I thought it was a little early for that!
Mormons seemed pretty cool, but the meeting put me to sleep. Funeral home ambience is the closest I can get to an accurate description. If that is the requirement for conviction, I just don’t have the stamina. Wow they cry a lot.
So many people are becoming Muslim these days I thought I’d give that a quick look. I signed up and got a free monogrammed prayer rug for my five a day devotional prayers. Sounded pretty cool, but highly impractical as a teacher. Word got out to the parents that I would drop and pray during class time and later that week I attended the longest school board meeting in the history of school board meetings. A hot topic for sure, was the kids didn’t know what the hell was going on. Two of them stopped, dropped, and rolled, and 9 of them got under the desks for earthquake drill. And I learned too, that we live in a Christian community and carrying a Janbiya to school is a nono. I didn’t know there was a difference being all children of Abraham. But wow! I did manage to keep my job though.
Unification Church sounded pretty cool. I mean, who doesn’t want to be unified? I went to the first meeting and they took my phone and I spent three days in a locked conference room with little food and no contact with the outside world. I learned some cool chants and was able to “send out” and “receive” a fair amount of love and actually got to act it out. The “insertion” part was cool. There was a calm aura all around. The Handkerchiefs, Holy Garments and Holy Water thing was weird. I can’t throw it away! Where do I keep this shit? When I got done for the weekend I felt like I’d been spiritually flattened and needed to check into a rehab somewhere. I still haven’t told my wife where I was.
So I guess the search continues. Next week I check out Assemblies of God to see if I can get rid of this limp, and then I’m doing the Jehovahs Witness. Hoping to get in on the “144,000” thing. I wonder if I get a special poker chip or something to save my spot? I am hesitant to go into a building with no windows though.
33,995 Christian denominations and 37,000,000 others to go. That shouldn’t take too long since they all claim they’re right.